Author: Eugene K. Choi / Source: Lifehack
You know what it’s like to have the honeymoon phase of any relationship die down. It’s fun and exciting in the beginning, but you get comfortable and the relationship can begin to get a little stale.
The longer the relationship lasts, the more ups and downs you will run into.
While this is all totally normal, it’s important to be aware of certain negative behaviors you may run into so that you can guard yourself from their toxic effects.So take a moment to ask yourself,
“Do I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like and how to handle the situation?”
Now imagine how much heartache you can save yourself if you knew the answer to this question more in depth. You’d be able to pick up on things much earlier before it’s too late where the relationship already reaches an unhealthy level.
Keep reading below to learn about the eight signs of toxic relationships to look out for and how to deal with them.
1. Your partner has become apathetic
When you notice your partner being more disengaged, this may be a sign that s/he is beginning to give up on the relationship. You’ll notice either they don’t argue as much with you or they just give in to your wishes because they don’t really care as much anymore.
Your partner has stopped feeling the same highs s/he felt when the relationship first started. And when you work even harder to make the relationship work, this can become even more toxic if your partner just sticks around because now s/he feels guilty. You find that the more of yourself that you keep giving, the less reciprocation you receive.
What should you do?
Before going on and trying to repair the relationship, it’s important here to provide an environment for your partner where s/he feels safe to tell you what s/he is going through.
Asking “Are you okay?” usually isn’t the greatest question. Being candid and open with your own feelings are a great start. You may want to start off with something more along the lines of “It feels like you’ve been so disengaged and distant lately, what’s been on your mind?”
Helping your partner feel emotionally safe with you is the key to starting the process of repairing the relationship that will help your partner feel connected to you again.
Other times, even though you haven’t done anything wrong and you’ve been a great partner, sometimes the best thing you can do at this point is to give your partner some space to work his or her own problems out.
2. Your partner is controlling
An important part when it comes to a healthy relationship is to make decisions together. Not for each other.
People who are controlling feel the need to be in charge of everything and express this need by being manipulative with both their environment and the people around them.
If you find yourself feeling like you need to ask for permission for simple things like meeting up with other friends or even family members, it’s a sign that you’re partner is exhibiting controlling behavior.
Controlling partners will also use threats to get you to do what they want and they may even go as far as threatening to end the relationship.
This kind of behavior stems from a deep sense of insecurity and it’s toxic because it kills any opportunity for intimacy and connection.
While in the beginning it might feel like your partner is making such strong suggestions because s/he cares so much, you’ll eventually realize the behavior really is more selfish than selfless.
What should you do?
Controlling behavior is usually a reaction to anxiety, jealousy and insecurity. A great place to start is by helping your partner feel safe to talk about this specific behavior.
Sometimes, partners will be able to acknowledge that this behavior is inappropriate and that they should be able to trust and respect you. If this is the case, there is hope for growth in the relationship.
Other times, there may be excuses as to why they act this way. One common excuse is that they are just looking out for your best interest because they want to make sure you don’t run into trouble. It’s likely that partners like this view you as someone to be fixed.
They may try to change things like your behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs in order to help themselves feel more in control. If this is the case, they are in a judgmental mindset and you may want to consider getting professional help if necessary or start setting boundaries (See number six) and keeping your distance from them.
3. Your partner shames you
Do you often find yourself feeling like a horrible person after interacting with your partner?
If you do, it may be time to start paying attention to how your partner speaks with you. If you find that your partner is often criticizing your character, this is a clear sign that s/he is shaming you.
And this will kill your relationship because of one important thing.
Shame makes intimacy impossible.
When someone attacks your character, it causes you to feel shame rather than guilt. And to illustrate the difference, guilt is “I did something bad” versus shame, which is “I am bad”.
Rather than making you feel included in the relationship, shame will make you feel alone and isolated.
Some cases where toxic partners might shame you is by directly attacking your character with verbal abuse through yelling, berating, and judging.
Other times, partners may shame you in more subtle ways through making demeaning sarcastic comments or saying hurtful jokes about you. This is cold violence.
What should you do?
People who shame others really do it to make themselves feel better about themselves.
If you find yourself feeling hurt because of the comments your partner makes, it’s important to reevaluate if this relationship is one worth staying in. People who shame others are usually are emotional bullies and will often make you feel like you’re stupid or overreacting when you express how hurt you are.
If you find yourself feeling small, isolated and alone, first go find someone who your trust and love and share the story of what happened. The reason for this if your partner isn’t someone who validates your feelings, you need to find someone who will.
Then it’s time to start thinking about how to either…
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