“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”
― M. Scott Peck
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The Basics
The sense that we are not being listened to is one of the most frustrating feelings imaginable. Toddlers scream about it, teenagers move out, couples split up, companies breakdown.
One of the main reasons this breakdown in communication occurs is that listening (like reading, thinking clearly and focusing) is a skill which we rarely consider to be something requiring knowledge and practice.
There is a difference between hearing and listening.
We assume that, as long as we can hear someone and understand their words that we are listening. Hearing alone, however, is not enough. Among other things, we need to comprehend what’s being said and why, reflect on intentions, and consider non-verbal communication.
Listening is one of the foundations of society – it is what enables us to form meaningful relationships and connections. And yet most of us haven’t though about how we listen.
As Mortimer J Adler writes in How to Speak, How to Listen:
We all realize that the ability to read requires training…the same would appear to be true of speaking and listening … training is required … Likewise, skill in listening is either a native gift or it must be acquired by training.
Active listening is a technique for developing our ability to listen.
As a communication technique, it is used in many professional settings but is also valuable for everyday life. Anyone who has ever seen a good therapist will be familiar with the efficacy of active listening.
A one-to-one therapist will listen with intent, clarify any uncertain points, often paraphrase what is said and ask the speaker to expand. A family or couple therapist will help to resolve a conflict by facilitating calm communication through reflection, open body language, and by helping couples understand one another.As Sheldon B. Kopp writes:
The therapist can interpret, advise, provide the emotional acceptance and support that nurtures personal growth, and above all, he can listen. I do not mean that he can simply hear the other, but that he will listen actively and purposefully, responding with the instrument of his trade that is, with the personal vulnerability of his own trembling self. This listening is that which will facilitate the patient’s telling of his tale, the telling that can set him free.
For the sake of clarity, we will refer to active listening in the context of two people conversing throughout this article. However, it can occur in communication between multiple people and in groups.
Listening is difficult because it involves suppressing your ego long enough to consider what is being said before you respond.
The Core Components of Active Listening
Comprehending
To communicate, we must first understand what the other person (or people) are actually saying. This is not as simple as it appears.
In most cases, comprehension occurs instantly and unconsciously. However, a number of potential barriers can prevent comprehension, including:
- Language barriers.
- The use of jargon or slang.
- Difference in culture, age, social rank and other discrepancies between people.
In Eyes Wide Open, Isaac Lidsky recommends simplifying comprehension by asking ‘can you explain that like I’m five years old?.’ This is the same technique we use to rapidly improve learning. Removing jargon and explaining things in your own language results in massively improved comprehension of complex topics.
Retaining
To respond in an appropriate manner, we must understand and retain what the other person has said. Not everyone will retain the same details.
Some people recall very specific details, while others hold on to the general idea. It is common for us to only retain details which are relevant for our response.
When actively listening, we focus on the other person’s words, rather than thinking about what we can say next. Suppressing our ego is difficult. It’s as if we think we already know what the other person is going to say. And we fool ourselves into thinking that we’ve done the work: that we not only know what the other person will say but that we’ve thought about it before. Only, we haven’t.
There are a number of potential barriers to retention, including:
- Cognitive biases and selective listening (we will look at this in more detail later.)
- Distractions, either internal or external (such as fatigue or a noisy environment.)
- Issues with memory (such as Dementia.)
Responding
Conversations are active, not passive. A conversation between people cannot occur without a response.
Active listening requires careful responses which are made possible with comprehending and retaining.
An active response should show that we understand what the other person has said, have paid attention to their words and also read their non-verbal cues.
Ronald A. Heifetz writes that “The activity of interpreting might be understood as listening for the song beneath the words.” To be an active listener, we must try to go beyond the words and form a rich picture of the other person’s emotions and intentions. However, we must also avoid inventing meaning or colouring their words with our own thoughts. The same potential barriers apply to responding as to retaining and comprehending.
To be an active listener, we must try to go beyond the words and form a rich picture of the other person’s emotions and intentions.
Active Listening and Overcoming Cognitive Biases
Active listening requires an understanding of how cognitive biases and shortcuts impact our communication. These are particularly prevalent when people are arguing and disagreeing.
Consider the following hypothetical argument between a couple, Mary and John. Any resemblance to your marriage is purely coincidental.
Mary: You never help around the house, you came home drunk twice last week, you forgot to pick the kids up from school, you never buy me flowers, you—
John: I bought you flowers on Valentine’s day!
In this instance, John is succumbing to confirmation bias in order to refute Mary’s statements. Ignoring the other claims, he responds to the one which he can easily disagree with. John fools himself into believing that because he can refute one statement, they are all false.
John: I bought you flowers on Valentine’s day!
Mary: That was the first you’ve brought me flowers in 5 years.
John is now falling prey to availability bias. He remembers one event which was recent and salient, while ignoring the preceding times.
Mary: That was the first time you’ve brought me flowers in 5 years.
John: So? None of my friends buy their partners flowers, even on Valentine’s day.
Social proof is now coming into play. John has looked to their peers…
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