Author: Malachi Thompson / Source: Lifehack
We’ve all experienced those situations where something is said that feels out of turn and borders on being offensive. The derogatory comments, aggressive taunts, hurtful judgments and criticisms can stun us like a deer in the headlights. That split-second we could be assertive and stand up for ourselves passes all too quickly, and we kick ourselves afterward for that witty rebuttal that only comes well after the event has passed.
Doh!Left for too long, those seemingly minor irritations can compound to significantly damage your self-esteem and self-worth. You convince yourself ignoring the taunts or insulting one-liners your boss makes at your expense is being professional and resilient. You might even try to justify the behavior to say “She was only joking and didn’t mean it”, “You say to yourself: “I can handle him” but then you start experiencing and witnessing that behavior in other areas of your life.
That unresolved injustice will continue to fester. The long-term damage can lead to emotional outbursts, rash decisions and even anxiety and depression.
There are right and wrong ways to step up to the plate and bat for yourself. Being assertive boils down to learning to manage your energy, plan your approach and craft your message in a way that maximizes potential for the other person, to be open to receiving and accepting it.
You will not just feel stronger. You’ll become stronger with a new confidence that will flourish throughout all areas of your life. Use these processes and steps and you’ll learn the smart way to assert yourself.
1. Acknowledge the Injustice and Refrain from Reacting
Acknowledge what was said or done. Make it known you noticed that underhanded innuendo by pausing and directing your attention to it.
By pausing and not reacting, you immediately demonstrate you believe what you just witnessed is unjust or underhanded. Your non-verbal body language alone can be highly assertive in itself to convey a message stronger than words can convey.
If you are not fully catatonic in shock disbelief, you might calmly state you will revisit what they said, the action they took or the decision they made at another point. And you don’t ask it as a question; you make a statement.
The offending party will realize they can’t simply have their cake and eat it too. The matter is not closed simply because they feel it is.
If you are being aggressively bullied, it can feel impossible to resist caving in. Having two or three statements you replay to each taunt will quickly send the message their persistent attempts to intimidate you will continually hit a roadblock. Examples might be:
- I am not going to respond right now
- That’s interesting you said that/did that/decided that
- I will be revisiting what you said/did
None of these statements are passive-aggressive. They are emotionally neutral statements. You’ve simply commanded respect and attention.
Any dynamic of a power play that your opponent has over you, will have shifted. You have bought yourself time to consider what you want to do next.
2. Pause and Reflect to Develop Clarity on What You Want to Be Assertive About and For
When you’re in shock, it’s unlikely your brain will have the capacity to respond with the speedy comeback you swore you would retort with the last time you heard that snide remark.
Dr. Joan Rosenberg describes how we need to give ourselves space to come to terms with what we experienced, and how we experienced it before being able to consider what action to take next:
As the shock intensity subsides after the initial 90 seconds of the emotional gut-punch, it’s time to go inward to ask yourself:
- What injustice do I feel took place here and why does this matter so much to me?
- What values, ethics and morals do I have that are being violated here?
- What should/should not have occurred?
Remember that the injustice you observe and experience is coming from your perspective and the framework through which you see the world.
The impact of your assertive action steps from here will need to include being able to express your viewpoint. You’ll need to be able to express why you don’t agree with the apparent nepotistic or sexist methods of recruiting staff for the business.
Get clear on your values. It’s crucial you understand within yourself first, the nature and reason behind the battle you choose to fight.
3. Seek to Understand First Before Being Understood
Asking yourself what drives the other person to behave and communicate in ways you feel create harm can greatly help to reduce your bubbling cauldron of anger, fury and humiliation to a gentler simmer.
Stepping into the other person’s perspective is not about dismissing your feelings or compromising your values and principles. It helps you to communicate in a language the other person will understand.
Your efforts to be assertive will have far…
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