Author: Dr. Magdalena Battles / Source: Lifehack
Wonder how divorce affects children? And how can divorce ever be good for a child?
Divorce can be good if there is emotional, physical, or substance abuse going on in the home. If a divorce can remove the child from an abusive parent, then divorce can be a good thing.
In most cases though, it’s not that simple.
In this article, we will look into the effects divorce has on children, and what parents can do to protect and support their children.
When Is Divorce Good?
Divorce can be good if there is emotional, physical, or substance abuse going on in the home. If a divorce can remove the child from an abusive parent, then divorce can be a good thing.
In most cases though, it’s not that easy.
Sometimes, even when one parent believes abuse is occurring by the other parent, custody is shared equally because of a judge’s decision.
Divorce is complicated and usually icky. It also does not remove the other parent from the situation automatically. It is a difficult road, but if there is abuse and the abuser refuses to change and seek help, then a divorce to protect the child may be wise.
Consider all angles of help and solutions before you head for divorce court though, because a divorce means that you may not have to live in the same household as the other person, but that is not necessarily true for your child.
Think of solutions and ways to get help for your family so you can heal, rather than run from the problem. Because you may indeed be sending your child to a bad situation in which you have zero control. The parent with the abusive problems may not change and you are sending your child to their home without your protection. That’s the unfortunate thing about divorce.
You can divorce the person from yourself, but you can’t always stop their contact with the kids, even if they are abusive. Seek legal help if the abuse is affecting your children and the person refuses to seek help or change. But, be aware that your battle is just beginning. Things may get worse before they get better. Do what is best for the child in the long term.
If you are already divorced, skip down to “The Good News for the Divorced Parents”.
The Good News for the Divorced Parents
If you are the part of the 50% of the population that has gotten divorced, know that you are not alone. Half of all marriages result in divorce. This isn’t the good news.
The good news is that up to 80% of kids exhibit zero negative effects from the divorce of their parents, according to a research study by Michael Lamb.[1]
That means that 20% will have issues when a divorce occurs. There is help and support for those who are a part of that 20%, so there is hope for you and your child.
Just keep reading to learn more and find ways to get the help your child may need.
What is Most Important to a Child of Divorced Parents?
Research, including that by Michael Lamb, shows that what’s most important to a child’s adjustment to divorce are:
- The quality of the relationships the child has with their parents
- The quality of the relationship of the parents following the divorce
- The resources and support provided in the situation
These three factors make a difference on whether your child can be a part of the 80% of the population of children from divorced homes who are able to successfully adjust.
Parent-Child Relationships Following Divorce
When a divorce has occurred, the quality of the relationship between the parent and child will have an enormous impact on how a child copes with the divorce. The way that a parent reacts following a divorce matters.
Parents who make the effort to have quality time with their child following a divorce are helping their child adjust to the divorce. Parents who move on with their lives with little regard for their children and the time they spend with them, will likely result in their children having problems adjusting to the divorce.
When maladjustment occurs (which is 20% of the population of children in divorce situations) the most common problems exhibited are (in no particular order):
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Behavior Problems
- Anger, angry outburst, problems controlling anger
- Physical violence toward others
- Lower grades in school compared to pre-divorce
- Substance abuse
- Incarceration
- Suicidal thoughts
- Feelings of guilt, shame, and blame (thinking the divorce is their fault)
- Decline in health
- Social problems
Parents who make the effort to have quality time with their child following a divorce are helping their child adjust to the situation.
Loving your child is not enough when it comes to divorce. Your actions matter. Make the effort to help your child through the divorce by spending quality time with them and fostering a positive parent-child relationship.
An Example of Good Parent-Child Relationships
For example, a child named Kate is 7 years old and is an only child. She has experienced the divorce of her parents. She adjusted to the situation well though.
The parents shared equal custody of Kate and they put in a great deal of effort to provide quality parenting time with Kate. Kate was able to get more one-on-one time and attention from each parent.
When she spent time at her Mom’s home, her Mom made an effort to do weekly cooking with Kate, so they could share the experience together and Kate could learn some cooking skills. Her Mom kept up with Kate’s piano lessons and took her to her scheduled karate classes, as did her Dad.
Both parents sought to spend time with Kate helping her process the divorce while still getting plenty of time and positive attention.
Both parents also maintained good discipline. They did not absolve consequences when she misbehaved because they felt bad about the divorce. Instead, both knew that discipline was important to maintaining Kate’s sense of structure and guidance in their homes.
Their extra efforts made Kate feel loved and cared for following the divorce. She may not have wanted her parents to separate and divorce, but the love, care, and quality time she is getting from both of her parents has helped her transition.
It is the consistency from both parents in providing love, quality time, structure, guidance, and discipline in their homes that has helped Kate adjust well to the divorce.
An Example of a Bad Parent-Child Relationship
Now look at the example of Eric. Eric’s parents divorced when he was 12. He too is an only child. His mother has retained custody and his father has visitation.
Eric goes to visit with his dad every other weekend. His dad has moved in with another woman. With his dad’s focus being on this new woman and that relationship, the visits Eric has with his dad leave him feeling dejected.
He yearns for time and attention from his dad. He is pained that his parents are no longer together and secretly wants them back together. With this new woman taking his dad’s attention, Eric resents this new woman in his dad’s life.
The visits become more and more strained until Eric no longer wants to visit his dad. His dad, feeling that Eric should be able to make the choice for himself about when he should see him, lets him off the hook. He doesn’t put pressure on Eric and their visits become less and less often.
Meanwhile, Eric feels rejected by his dad, who never even tries to convince him to come visit when he cancels. Eric’s relational problem with his dad causes anger to rise in him. He acts out at school more and has gotten into several fights at school.
His mom is doing her best, but she can’t force Eric’s dad to provide the attention that Eric needs. His dad loves him, but the quality of the time they have spent together following the divorce is less than mediocre.
The lack of a quality relationship and time with his dad has led to problems in Eric’s life including uncontrolled anger, resentment, and anxiety.
His adjustment to the divorce has not been good because of the failure on his dad’s part to make an effort to maintain a quality relationship. Eric’s mom is looking to get him in to see a counselor to deal with his anger, resentment, and anxiety.
…
The post How Divorce Affects Children: The Good and the Not So Good appeared first on FeedBox.